Train of Thought

Last Sunday at Mass, in the short time between the consecration of the bread and the consecration of the wine, I had this train of thought:

The smell of a woman in front of me reminded me of a lady I took care of when I worked at the Courtyard (dementia care facility) --- which made me think of dementia and I wondered who is the youngest person to ever suffer from dementia --- which made me wonder if I will ever get it --- which made me wonder if you could have symptoms of dementia for being overly tired (because I was feeling tired) --- which reminded me of a movie that Andrew and I watched part of (but turned it off because it was pretty bad) called The Machinist with Christian Bale. (It is a creepy movie about a man who suffers from insomnia and has not slept in over a year) --- and I wondered if it is even possible to go a year without sleeping --- then a gory scene from the movie began replaying in my mind where there is an accident at a factory and a man's arm gets stuck in a machine and is torn off and his severed limb is shown spinning around and around on the machine (Ick!)

So there I was grimacing to myself, when I was drawn out of my mind by the words, "Do this in memory of me." (and then the bells rang) Then I began internally reprimanding myself for thinking about such a horrible scene during the consecration! Not being aware of the path that led me to this thought, I wondered - why was I even thinking about that movie? And then I traced back my thoughts to see how I got from listening to the consecration of the bread to replaying that gory scene from The Machinist. And it all began with a smell... It's amazing how something as simple as a smell can trigger such a quick chain reaction in our minds! I say "our" because I hope I'm not the only one who has this problem! =)

I think that Satan really manipulates and tempts us with these little distractions. This might be a great failing for a lot of the "good" people out in the world. Outwardly, a person could look very good and holy, while internally they let their minds trail off. It is so easy to be distracted and turned away from Our Lord in our minds. And this is a problem that no one has to know about. We can hide this disconnect from everyone, even those closest to us. There is no one to hold us accountable because this is a problem people don't really talk about much, other than saying "I get distracted."

I don't think people realize how dangerous distractions are. The vessel for our prayers is our thoughts, for even the vocal prayers we say originate from our minds. So if our minds are easily distracted, then prayer probably comes as a difficulty (at least, I know this is true for me!). I'm not sure how I can concretely work on controlling my train of thought; I welcome any advice! I hope that eventually I can keep my thoughts centered on God and on good things. I hope that someday I will be united to God throughout the whole day, by being vigilant regarding what thoughts I allow myself to dwell on, making sure that they are always pleasing to Him.

St. Maximilian Kolbe Novena Begins Today!

I'm posting for Star of the Sea today:

"If angels could be jealous of men, they would be so for one reason: Holy Communion." ~ St. Maximilian Kolbe

St. Maximilian Kolbe's (1894-1941) feast day is coming up on August 14th. That means that the novena invoking his intercession begins today!

Here are some ways you can celebrate his feast day on the 14th:

Read more...

Toddler Mass Kit

I'm blogging over at our Parish today:

My son just turned one in May. He has been pretty good in Mass, but since he learned to crawl and now walk, my husband and I have had to spend a lot of time with him in the vestibule. Sometimes we wonder if we should even sit down in a pew at the beginning of Mass!

One of the gifts we gave him for his birthday was a bag for Mass. I found the items at various Catholic stores over the last few months. I wanted to make it really special and personalized, so I bought a denim bag at JoAnne Fabrics, and used this method to paint a Marian cross on it. I also embroydered his name on the front of the bag.

Read More...

My Letter to Our Senators

The following is a letter I sent to my senators today. Please keep this ministry in your prayers during this debate over health care!

Dear Mrs. Cantwell and Mrs. Murray,

I want to let you know that I am in a health sharing group called Samaritan Ministries. It is technically not health insurance, rather, it is a ministry that divides up the member's medical costs over $300 among all the other members. Each month, we share money directly with other members. For example, this month we sent our check directly to a family whose 8mo. old son was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and has had two surgeries.

Being a member of this ministry has been such a huge blessing in our lives. Not only do we share our money with the other members, but we also pray for them every day.

My request to you is that you please vote to support ministries like this one. Please make sure that language will be included in the health care bill to support our freedom to share our medical need in this way, without being forced to pay for government insurance.

Thank you so much!

Sincerely,
Lindsey St.Hilaire
Resident of Bremerton, WA

Missionaries of Charity

Our friend Andrew will be traveling to India to serve with the Missionaries of Charity, the order of nuns founded by Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta. He will be there until July, and will be blogging about his experience (link below). Please keep him, the Missionaries of Charity, and those they serve in your prayers.

what He takes away, i give away

Giving my Life to God

I have been wanting to share something that has been on my heart and mind, but I have been struggling to find the words to express it. Here goes nothing:

St. Lorenzo Ruiz is quoted as saying "If I had one thousand lives, I would give them all to God." He said this to his executioner right before he was hung by his feet for two days until he died a martyr's death in the year 1637.

I read recently in Hallowed Be this House by Thomas Howard that "going to sleep is a small metaphor for death." I had never thought of it that way. This led me to meditate on how waking up in the morning is a "small metaphor" for being born. Which then led me to consider how each day can be regarded as a metaphor for one life.

Sometimes in my day-in and day-out routines, I get caught up in mediocrity. The days roll by and I seem to live as though each day does not matter. But now I feel challenged to treat each day as though I am living my life out in one day. From the time I wake up (birth) to the moment my head hits the pillow (death), I want to live for God. I want to give all my days to God in this way; which leads me to view the quote from St. Lorenzo Ruiz in a different light. When I first heard that quote, I thought "I hope I would have the courage to say that (and mean it) if I was about to be martyred." In reality, I know the answer, which lies in this question: How could I possibly have the strength to say that with sincerity if I don't even live every day of the one life that I do have for God? Don't get me wrong, I live some days for God, but not most.

Lord, please help me value each day that you give to me and live my life dedicated to you.

John's Baptism ~ July 26, 2009

John was baptized on July 26th - the feast of St. Anne. John's Grandmas are pretty happy about that! ;) We invited our close friends to join us for John's first Sacrament. Many of them attended. It was very beautiful to witness my son being cleansed from original sin.

After his baptism we invited everyone over for a baptism party. There was good food and great company! We hope to honor this day every year by making it a special day for John. The following are pictures from that day:

John's godparents are his Uncle Lou and Aunt Jenna

I had a hard time deciding what to write on the cake... I could have said "Happy Baptism," but that seemed kind of weird. The words "Welcome Home" kept coming to mind. I wanted to give John the message that the Catholic Church is his home. No matter what paths he may wander on during his life, he will always find his home in the Church - with God his Father and his Mother Mary.

John's baptismal gown was a gift from both sets of grandparents. It will be used with all the children God blesses us with. Grandma St.Hilaire embroidered John's name and the date of his baptism along the hem of the gown. We will do this for everyone who is baptized in this gown.

Welcome Home John!!

Reflections at Mass

We went to Mass last Sunday. Many people were shocked that we went because John was not even two days old. But I was feeling fine, and John just slept in his car seat the whole time. So we saw no need to skip Mass.  

I am SO glad we went to Mass. It was a very fruitful experience for me to partake in the celebration of Mass with my born son. My thoughts drifted to my love for John and how I would never want anything bad to happen to him. I feel very protective of John, and I am overwhelmed with the instinct to do anything to keep him safe from harm. This made me think of when I broke my back in 2006. I am sure those same protective feelings I have for John went rampant in my mom when she got the phone call that her "baby" daughter had broken her back while inner-tubing on Mount Baker.  I want so much to keep John safe, but I know the time will come when he will be on his own, making his own decisions.  

Then my thoughts drifted to our Blessed Mother Mary who not only let her Son suffer and die on the cross, but she watched it happen and kept her "cool."  How obedient is Our Lady! I see her as my greatest example of good mothering and I hope to let John always do God's will, even if it is dangerous.  I never want my protective nature to get in the way of God's plans.  

The most powerful part of the Mass was the Eucharistic prayer (as it should be!).  As I mentioned in previous posts, my focal point for the birth was Christ saying "this is my body, given for you." I have been relating that to my own sacrifice of my body for John. But when I heard that phrase last Sunday, I thought about John living out this kind of love, and me letting him.  I desire holiness for my Son more than anything.  

The clear message I received from God was, "He is not yours." Parents these days tend to view their children as being "theirs."  I too have this inclination, but I am trying to view him more as a soul God has entrusted to me.  He is my son, but more importantly, he is a child of God. I hope to parent John in a way that his Parent above would approve.

Thank you!

We have been home now since Saturday night.  These first few days have been so wonderful and fruitful!  We feel truly blessed to have such supportive friends and family.  Thank you to everyone who has emailed us and left comments on our blog.  I have hardly had time to get on the computer to do anything, let alone respond to emails.  Please know that Andrew has read your comments to me and I feel so honored to receive your prayers and kind words.  

I have begun writing my "a baby story."  Hopefully I will have some spare moments during the week to finish so I can post it on the blog.  John and I are both doing very well.  He really loves to nurse!  I am trying to get use to it.  I hear it gets better after a few weeks!  

Thanks again!

Love,

Lindsey

I'm Sick

Yes, it is true... with only one and a half weeks until our baby's due date, I find myself in a miserable state. It began as a slight sore throat, but has now turned into complete nasal congestion. I pray I don't go into labor until this passes because I have no clue how I could manage any "deep breathing" at this point. Please keep us in your prayers! Thank you in advance.

Baby Update

We went to our birthing class on Saturday. It was pretty informative, but it made me rather anxious about the birth of Baby St.Hilaire. I have been feeling called to do the birth naturally with no meds. Most of my friends have done so, and they have been very encouraging for me. However, sometimes I come across people who think I am crazy. Maybe I am. I just believe that I am a woman and my body was made to do this, no matter how painful it may be.

This last Sunday I was praying at Mass and offering up my fear of pain. I have been planning on bringing a picture of Jesus on the crucifix as a focal point for the birth. During the consecration at Mass, the words struck me: "This is my Body, given for you." I decided that I want to have that written above the crucifix in my delivery room. Our highest calling is to give our bodies for the life of others--just as Christ did. It makes me cry to think of having the honor of suffering for my child. I will offer any ounce of pain for his holiness.

I am afraid, and my fear grows with each day that passes. But I am trying to transform that fear into humble surrender. With this painful experience quickly approaching, "taking up your cross" has a whole new meaning for me.

On another note, I am really enjoying this last trimester of pregnancy. I can feel basically every movement of the baby. It is so reassuring to feel him rolling around in there. I pray he will be healthy and holy!

"This is my Body, given for you!"

Holy Housewifery ~ Chapter 3

Chapter 3 ~ What, Me Worry?

• "Let nothing disturb thee, nothing affright thee, all things are passing" - St. Teresa
• "We must have a supernatural view that all will work out to the good, no matter how bewildering life seems at the moment."
• "When we worry we are politely disbelieving God's promise that if we seek first the Kingdom of God, all else will be added."
• Yet simply trusting God and not working to provide for ourselves will not do.  As St. Ignatius once said, "We must work as if everything depends on us, and pray as if everything depends on God."
• When we are faced with endless worrying it may help to stand back and think: "In the light of eternity--so what?"
• Today being Ash Wednesday, I found reading this chapter to be very appropriate.  This morning I went to Mass and was reminded that I am dust and to dust I shall return.  When I think about my life in this way, the worries that fill my mind seem so trivial.
• This chapter also made me think of my favorite Gospel passage: Luke 12:22-34

As a side note (kind of) please keep my grandpa in your prayers.  He has been in the hospital since Monday morning.  He has cancer, which we have known about, but he was admitted on Monday for bleeding in the brain.  The doctors are not sure what exactly caused this, but he is not expected to make it through the week.  So pray for a holy death.  I thought about him today when I received my ashes at Mass: "To dust you shall return."  Also, please keep my grandma in your prayers.  I know she will deeply miss her beloved spouse.  Thank you so much!

Random Reflections

Andrew and I have a holy hour together on Wednesday nights. Tonight I read from the book I am working on: Difficulties in Mental Prayer.  This book is loaded with insightful tidbits about prayer and struggles that come with seeking a relationship with Christ.  Sometimes... ok let's be honest, most of the time I have difficulties in acknowledging Christ's presence throughout my day.  Also when I am at Mass or at my holy hour, I have a hard time really focusing on Christ's presence in the Eucharist.  I do believe he is present, but more with my head and less with my heart.  

Comparatively, during most of the day I do not really think about the baby growing inside me.  I am so busy that he becomes an afterthought.  It is really only his kicking that draws my attention back to recognizing that I have a little man growing inside me.  As I sat before the Blessed Sacrament tonight, I stared at my stomach and tried to imagine him being inside there. All I could see was a big belly!  It was so hard for me to contemplate his life--Just like it is hard for me to imagine Jesus being with me always and being present in the Eucharist.  It is amazing that I have been sharing my body with Baby St.Hilaire for a full 5 months now.  I am really honored to do it!  And in a short while his life will be revealed to me in his birth.  Then I will really know he is there and I won't be able to forget about him during the day.  

I hope at some point in my life, Christ's presence will be revealed to me also.  I never want Christ to be an afterthought in my day, or just someone I speak briefly to.  I want my relationship with Him to be real, one filled with true friendship and love.  

Eucharistic Adoration - Reverse Momentum

I recently saw this video and thought it was really well done.

"My Jesus! What a lovable contrivance this holy Sacrament was - that You would hide under the appearance of bread to make Yourself loved and to be available for a visit by anyone who desires You!" - St. Alphonsus Ligouri

"Our own belief is that the renovation of the world will be brought about only by the Holy Eucharist." - Pope Leo XIII

Difficulties in Mental Prayer

I am reading a book (title above), and I was very impressed with a portion of the preface:

"When Our Savior rose from the dead, He had taken on Himself, and triumphed over, every possible obstacle, in our past, in our future, in ourselves, or in our surroundings, which might interfere with our holiness. The agony that broke His Sacred Heart in the garden was the thought that, after He had done and suffered so much--far more than was ever necessary--for our holiness, we should render His Blood useless by our cowardice and by our failure to believe in Him and to trust in Him. The greatest value that we can set on Christ's sufferings is to believe that they can make holy even such as we are."

Wow, I have read this over so many times and I never get tired of it! I think sometimes I give up on myself becoming holy because it is too difficult. This quote helped me realize how painful that mentality is for Jesus. He has done so much, far more than necessary, for my holiness. I need to trust more in Him. He knows my failings and the areas I need to improve and he can help!

Right now I am on chapter 4. This chapter encourages spiritual reading and even goes so far to say that "to reduce the time for spiritual reading, without due cause, to less than three hours in the week, is to starve the soul, and will bring about the consequences of such starvation."

My soul has been starving, I really need to read more. I have already experienced fruit from reading this current book. Andrew and I just prayed the Rosary and my thoughts drifted to the bold quote above while meditating on the Agony in the Garden. Reading a spiritual book helps to give us something to pray about and focus on during prayer (instead of thinking about dinner, how tired you are, or other random items... as I often do!).

=)

May you all have a Merry Christmas season! Peace to you all!